What I Had to Surrender to Walk in My Calling

Nothing about my life was as fine as it looked.

I did not know my life was a wreck until I went through a few devastating seasons that reset everything I thought I

understood about who I was, what I had built, and what I was called to do.

From the outside, parts of my life may have looked successful, stable, or even admirable. But God has a way of revealing what is out of order beneath what looks impressive.

Through that process, I had to learn that surrendering to the will of God comes with a cost, and sometimes the cost is the version of yourself you have spent years defending. It was not easy. It came through seasons of pain, loss, resistance, and suffering until I finally realized that His will was still going to prevail, with or without my agreement.

When I stopped fighting the process and surrendered, I began to see the work of the Lord in my life. It was not what I expected. It was not the version I would have chosen. But it was what I needed.

My version of success had to die

Success, to me, was climbing the corporate ladder. Promotion after promotion. Six figures. Traveling to countries I had only dreamed of. Then it all came crashing down. I was released from two high-paying positions in less than four years.

I realized I had made my work my idol. I focused more on my job than on my children, and God was nowhere in the picture. When I lost everything, I realized I had nothing. No real relationship with my children. I missed important moments. And I treated God like a genie. I had no relationship with Him.

As I rebuild, I am learning that success for me is my quiet time with the Lord, dwelling in His presence and His word. It is going to my children's games and conferences. Volunteering in my community. Writing, creating, growing. Success is me laughing more, instead of worrying about corporate goals. Success now is learning who I am. And I like this version of myself.

My business had to become my calling, not my comfort

I know my strengths. I had a precision the corporate world admired, and I wanted to bring that into business, because I knew it could be successful. It was comfortable. But comfort stifles growth. Comfort stifles success. Comfort stifles calling.

My version of what I wanted was not what God planned. I tried many versions of the business I thought I wanted. After nothing worked, I finally realized I was operating outside of what I am called to do. We often mistake what we are good at for our calling. I was great at what I did for decades, but I had to put it down to walk into my calling. And they look nothing alike.

I am called now to be open. To be vulnerable. To share my experiences. To speak and write. To expose the parts of me where I would rather give my right hand than tell the truth. To lead others in ways I never knew I would be called to. But I had to surrender, because God was not taking my no.

My ego had to die

I have a big ego. Part of recovery is acceptance, so I will say it again. I have a big ego. It was justified, in my mind, by my accolades. I was successful, earning a lot, traveling a lot. I started my outdoor business thinking it would take off immediately and show everyone how successful I am.

Then I lost everything, twice over, and I was knocked down into the dirt. I had to ask people for help paying my bills. I was detailing cars to put food on the table. I had to settle for a smaller version of what I thought success was. It was hard. How could an educated, highly successful person resort to this? I lost that ego fast.

Now I am tender toward people in every situation, the struggling and the well-off alike, because you never know what someone is carrying. I give to the homeless and sponsor dinners for local families, because I was once there, and I am no better than anyone. I am the quintessential example of pride before a fall. But the fall was my deliverance. I cannot serve God with an ego. Humbleness and meekness are the way of the disciples of Christ.

My need for validation had to go

Seeking validation is a sneaky thing. You may think you are strong, that you do not need others, that you do not care what they think of you. But deep down, we do. I did.

I started the business partly because I wanted to be validated as another level of success. I kept quiet in moments where I should have spoken. I dressed and acted a certain way because it was what he liked. I accepted certain terms in a relationship because I wanted it to continue. Validation is a loss of power and strength.

I realized that if I was going to surrender and become who God called me to be, I could not depend on the validation of people. I had to be obedient to the will of God, in the version of what He wants it to look like. Not for man, but for His glory. Seeking validation leads to double-mindedness, and as James said, a double-minded person is unstable. I cannot do the work of God and worry about what every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinks. My work, my message, my voice, is for the people I am meant to help.

My illusion of control had to go

If I was egotistical, then I always wanted to be in control. Not only of myself, but of others and of circumstances. And when I watched the dominoes fall in my life, I realized I had no control. Not even the slightest. Any resemblance of self-control was a joke, because when it all came crashing down, I remembered the One who is truly in control.

I had to admit my desire to control was tied to my insecurities, my self-esteem, the need to know and be right, even the need to be validated. I loosened the grip slowly. It was a process. People will do what they will do. There will be events that happen for reasons beyond me. I can only control how I react, and who I take it to.

No matter what, God will be there, and that alone is a powerful realization. The storm will rage. The fires will burn. The floods will come. People will leave. Life will life. But I know Who I keep my eyes on while it all happens.

All of this is to say

Where I am today is not what I planned. But God said He knows the plans He has for me, plans for peace and not for evil, to give me an expected end. I had to let the old version of me die, and die daily, to walk in obedience. To walk the path He created for me. To walk in my calling and my destiny.

Everything is by design, and I must trust the process. Fighting it is useless. Acceptance creates release, and release is how destinies are fulfilled. I thought surrender would cost me a dream, a title, a plan, or a version of success. I did not know surrender would cost me the old me. But she could not walk where God was taking me.

I said it with love.

Stay in the rebuilding. See it through.

Camiel Khalilah