The Demon Was Me

On the day I stopped blaming the demon and named myself.

Whenever my life got in the dumps, I was quick to exorcise the demon. The demon who ate my paycheck. Or got me fired. Or ended my marriage. Or yelled at my children. Or took my frustration out on anyone and anything in sight when things went wrong.

The demon that shows up as consequences based on my actions. The oh, I will think about that later. Or, in Steve Urkel's voice, did I do that? Who, in a moment of self realization, confirmed, yes, I did do that, and I will be better next time. Only next time was a repeat of the same.

They say it takes twenty-one days to set a new habit, but I believe it takes twenty-one days times an eternity, because my habits seemed to have been forged with uranium. Unbreakable. Unshakeable.

Bad decision after another. Pray to God, deliverance received, rinse and repeat. A demon with untethered access, who knew my inner thoughts, my habits, my weaknesses, my vices. This demon really knew me. He could finish my sentences. He created offense where there was none. Full of ego and pride. A my way or the highway type of demon. My type of guy.

Until he wasn't. I couldn't shake him. He wouldn't leave. Repeated behavior, patterns, detrimental to my being, my soul, and those I hold dear.

Deliverance wasn't coming this time. This time I had to sit in it. I had to be honest. Brutally honest with myself.

The demon was me.

Not because spiritual warfare is not real. Not because darkness does not exist. But because I had to stop rebuking what I refused to repent from.

Blame could no longer be passed to others. It was me who chose to buy the outfit instead of save. It was me who jumped into plans because they were exciting, without evaluating them. It was me who got reckless and disrespectful with my mouth. It was me with an ego as big as New York, and just as loud, who challenged people to bow to me instead of building respectful partnership.

The demon was me, and I wrecked myself. I had no self accountability.

Humbleness and humility were not part of my vocabulary, until they had to be.

Exorcism isn't a one-stop shop. I am still exorcising my demon. I die a thousand deaths a day to remain humble, to steward well as I rebuild, where I evaluate opportunity against calling, instead of ego. Where saying I am sorry is becoming the norm. Most times. Where I stop calling every consequence an attack, when some of it is the fruit of what I chose.

The best part of this journey is honesty. Honesty that I am the demon in my life. I have made choices that I called demonic, when they were nothing but the consequences of my own actions. Now I can name my demons.

The demons I name are the demons I can see. And the demons I can see are the demons I can fight.

Sometimes, maybe, the demons we are fighting to bind and rebuke are the demons we are entertaining in ourselves. Name them. Then have the courage to fight them.

I said it with love.

Stay in the rebuilding. See it through.

Camiel Khalilah